Passive-aggressiveness is a term used by psychologists to describe a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes coupled with resistance to others. It manifests itself in many ways: procrastination, resentment, stubbornness, and sometimes even deliberate failure to act in a responsible manner. Many times a passive-aggressive person will convey his or her wishes or expectations in a manner that is intended to tweak, embarrass, or shame the intended recipient of the message. By doing so, the passive-aggressive person feels as if he or she maintains a measure of control (and therefore power) over others.

The only way to deal with passive-aggressive people is to lovingly confront them, appealing to them to examine their behavior and make the appropriate changes.

But what do you do if you are a passive-aggressive person?

1. Admit that it exists and understand the shape it has taken in your life.
2. Examine your past. Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you to forgive those in your past who have harmed you.
3. As yourself, "What are my expectations?" Rid yourself of unrealistic expectations since they will only cause you turmoil.
4. Expose yourself to the mirror of Scripture (James 1:22-25).
5. Understand your identity in Christ. Your true value lies not in your performance, position, titles, achievements, or power, but in being known by God and declared righteous in Christ.

Lessons from a Devastated Life

There is a TV show on the National Geographic Channel called "Seconds From Disaster." As its website explains, each episode uses "advanced CGI, archival footage, forensic science, dramatic eyewitness accounts and expert testimony to deconstruct the chain of events leading to some of the world's most infamous disasters." If one link in the chain was broken, the disaster probably would not have happened.

The story of Lot in the Book of Genesis is the story of a man whose life was devastated by the terrible consequences of sin. He would end up losing his home, his wealth, and his wife. The effects of his choices would harm others as well, as his incestuous relationship with his daughters would produce enemies of God's people (the Moabites and Ammonites).

There were many links in the chain of Lot's life that led to his personal disaster. If any one of these links were broken, his story may have ended up differently.

Link #1: Lot separated himself from believers (Abraham and his family) because of a quarrel (Gen. 13:8-11).
Link #2: Lot put his focus on a valley filled with sin (Gen. 13:10).
Link #3: Lot began walking toward the valley of sin (Gen. 13:11).
Link #4: Lot settled his life near sin (Gen. 13:12).
Link #5: Lot was living in the city of sin (Gen. 14:12).

The next thing that happened was that Lot was taken captive in battle.

Lessons for us today:

1. Be a regular part of Christian fellowship. Don't isolate yourself from fellow believers.
   
2. Keep your focus on Christ, not on the sinful temptations of this world. Cut those things out of your life that would distract you from Christ.
3. Take note of the general direction of your life. What are you spending time doing? Are the things you are doing building the fruit of the Spirit in your heart? Remember, you are always moving: either toward righteousness or toward sin.
4. Set your life as far away from the sinful trappings of the world as possible.
5. If you find that you are living in sin, get out now! If you don't, a devastating captivity awaits you.
   

"Saved Through Childbearing" - A quote

Consider the following conclusion from Andreas Kostenberger's examination of 1 Timothy 2:15:

What does it mean, then, for a woman to be “kept safe [from Satan]”? It means, among other things, that she will not yield in her mind to false notions of what it means for her to be a woman and in particular a woman of God. It means that she will respect divinely set boundaries in the exercise of her spiritual gifts and ministry calling in trust and obedience to God’s Word. It means that she will find fulfillment in her domestic calling, in her relationship with her husband, in her role as mother and maker of the home, and in proper ministry involvements in God’s “household,” the church (see 1 Tim. 3:15).

The women who overstep these God-given boundaries, on the other hand, will not be “kept safe from being deceived [by Satan].” By pushing and transgressing the limits set by the Creator, those women will actually suffer a degree of loss of their God-given femininity. They will forfeit, at least to some extent, fulfillment in marriage, family, and the home. They will fall prey to error in interpreting Scripture, error very possibly not confined to their understanding of women’s roles in the church. They will disrupt (male-female) harmony in the church, creating division rather than promoting harmony as women and men serve God and others alongside each other in appropriate, God-ordained roles. And there may be other consequences, not the least grieving the One whose commands are ignored.

[Quote from Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Volume 2 (2:2). Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.]

Sermons Make A Difference!

My message on Sunday was "What To Do With Your Boss" from 1 Peter 2:18-25. Basically, we've got to submit to our boss, even if he's mean or not a believer. When we learn to do this, God can do miracles in our workplace. But if we refuse, we quench the Spirit of God from moving.

Sometimes I wonder, though, if my preaching ever makes a difference in anyone's life. A REAL difference: not just that they chuckled at a joke or their spirit was lifted up for five minutes, but are lives actually being changed?

Then I received the following note on Facebook from a faithful church member on Tuesday: "On our team call this morning, I shared with the group what the sermon was about this past Sunday and told them all that as a result, they had all been prayed for every day on my way to work. My boss was quite taken aback and actually stuttered, not knowing how to respond. They (all 5 of them) at least know that they are being prayed for and my boss actually wanted to know more about the sermon--gave me a great chance to 'share'. Thanks for the fuel."

It's good to know that God is moving in the hearts of His people as they move outside the four walls of where we gather.

A Church Without Criticism

The magazine "Popular Science" recently gave a brief report on Dennis Hong, the leader of Virginia Tech's Robotics and Mechanisms Laboratory. He talked about one aspect of being raised in Korea: "I grew up in an environment of people being afraid or ashamed to speak up. In my lab there's no criticism, only refinement."

I believe that God has placed within the hearts of His people in every church the ability and knowledge to overcome the issues hindering that church's health and growth. So why won't more people be an active part of the solution? A few possible reasons:

• Fear of commitment - Some people keep to themselves their ideas to make their church better because they know that they will be asked to take a leadership role in the transformation.
• Hindered flow of communication - Many leaders of churches fail to provide members with two necessary things: (1) permission and encouragement to make suggestions; and (2) an easy means by which to do so.
  
• A critical heart - Unfortunately, some members have allowed an unchecked critical spirit to become entrenched in their hearts. Although they may have good ideas, they choose to complain about the current condition to people who can't do anything about it, which results with that critical spirit being multiplied many times over.
• Fear of being critical - Many Christians are like Dennis Hong was: fearful of speaking up. The knowledge that the Spirit of God has placed in their hearts becomes buried, and the people of God cannot be edified.

When God's people aren't talking to one another (and perhaps instead talking about one another), Satan gains a victory. Imagine, though, what would happen if we adopted the mindset that says, "In my church there's no criticism, only refinement."

Yes Virginia, There Is An Honest Car Mechanic

My dad and I (mostly my dad) rebuilt a 1966 Ford Mustang when I was in college. It was forest green, and everything was original on that car, with the exception of a custom-made cassette player with a mustang emblem. I loved that car for many reasons, especially that I--the least of all mechanics--could tinker around on the engine when needed.

But alas, cars aren't like that any more. Now everything is computerized, and it's next to impossible to fix something. Instead, a little light goes on and you have to pay a mechanic to do a diagnostic analysis.

Yesterday the van's little "fix engine" light came on. Yes, I drive a minivan. How do I feel about devolving from being the proud owner of a '66 Mustang to now driving a 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan with automatic sliding back doors and Stow-N-Go? I've named the van "The Emasculator." When guys find out I drive a minivan, I get the same look from them that a man gives his friend when he's told, "My mother-in-law is coming to live in our house for a while." It's a look of empathetic relief--empathy that says, "Man, I'm so sorry," and relief that says, "I'm so glad I'm not you."

Anyway, the Emasculator's handbook told me that the light could signify anything from a loose gas cap to a vacuum leak to something even more serious. Being due for an oil change, I took it to a Jiffy Lube that has always treated me right.

They changed the oil and gave me a business card for a Advantage Auto Repair in Broken Arrow. He said they charge about $20 less per hour for labor than most places, so I thought I would give it a shot (especially since South Tulsa Dodge charges its customers a $20 "replenishing fee" for their mechanics' use of rags, fluids, and other nondescript items. It's the equivalent of charging a "pew use fee" for people checking out your church. Guess what? They won't be back.).

The owner/manager of Advantage Auto Repair is Jason Rowe. Before his employees did anything to the van, he told me the amount of the diagnosis fee. He was almost apologetic about charging the fee, but he explained that he was still paying on the diagnosis machine. Turned out that the "problem" was not a real problem after all, so he reset the light and told me that if it comes on again in the next 90 days he'll waive the diagnosis fee.

After everything was done and I was paying him, he happened to mention that he goes to church and Sunday School each week. I told him that the church I pastor is just a few miles away from his church. He started telling me that since he got involved in church a few years ago, his whole life has changed for the better. Now he's in a men's accountability group every Wednesday morning--he even showed me the book they're going through. Before I left, he said, "Since you're a pastor, can we pray together?" We joined hands and he prayed, "Dear God, I thank you so much for bringing David to me today. We pray that you keep that light from going off. We need your help in this. Amen."

I don't know if you've ever had a car mechanic pray for your car to work right, but it's an awesome experience.

I was also impressed with Jason's integrity. He treated me right before he knew I was a pastor. I think that's to be commended.

Here's the info if you're looking for an honest car mechanic:
Advantage Auto Repair
213 E. Kenosha Ave.
Broken Arrow, OK 74012
918-259-9899
Jason Rowe - Owner

Confidentiality in the Church

Suppose a deacon in the church came to his pastor and confessed committing adultery against his wife. At the end of his discussion with the pastor, he said, "Well, thanks pastor! I feel so much better about this now that I've gotten it off my chest. And remember, you have to keep everything I said confidential. See you at the Deacon's Meeting on Sunday!"

If the pastor promised absolute confidentiality, he would not be able to speak to the deacon's wife, nor would he be able to take action to remove the deacon from his position as a church office. The pastor could, of course, break his promise, but that would raise additional ethical (and even legal) issues.

There are other circumstances where an understanding of absolute confidentiality is either unwarranted or unwise:

• When a person confesses to committing a major crime, especially against a minor. The police need to be informed.
• When a person is a danger to himself or others. Again, civil leaders such as the police or the Department of Human Services need to be informed.
  
• When church discipline should be instituted. Other church leaders (or the entire church) need to be informed.
• When wise counsel from others who have overcome similar situations is needed. To confer with someone who can help is not gossip. Gossip is defined as discussing something negative with someone who is not in a position to help.
  
• When conflict in the church needs to be addressed.
  
• To complicate matters, a pastor usually does not know beforehand what will be confessed to him in a counseling situation.

Pastors must determine what they are trying to accomplish: keeping secrets or bringing healing.

I never promise absolute confidentiality. In fact, I try to make it clear, in writing if possible, exactly what level of confidentiality I offer.

Below is a confidentiality policy that I have adopted as my own. It is based on a confidentiality policy in Christian Standard 118/10 (March 9, 2008): 182. I have the one being counseled sign it.

Confidentiality Policy

As church leaders--pastors, deacons, staff, counseling volunteers, and ministry leaders--we welcome and encourage you to be open and honest with us about the experiences you have had. We want you to know that we will treat you with caring and respect, and we will seek to hold in confidence the information you share.

The level of confidentiality we offer, however, has limits that you should be aware of from the outset of any communication with us.

1. We have a responsibility to speak to legal authorities if we learn that (1) you pose a threat to yourself or others; (2) sexual or physical abuse of a minor or a vulnerable adult (physically or mentally handicapped, or an elderly person) has occurred; or (3) any other serious crime has been committed.
2. We also have a responsibility to remain faithful to biblical instruction in the matter of church discipline (cf. Matt. 18:15-20; 1 Cor. 5:12-13; Gal. 6:1; 1 Thess. 3:6-15). As an exercise of God's love and grace, church discipline is designed to assist the sinning Christian to repent and to restore him to a harmonious family relationship with God as Father and with other Christians as brothers and sisters. Our commitment to church discipline, therefore, may require the disclosing of relevant information to certain others and, in rare situations, the entire church.

We will on occasion confer with others to ensure that we are providing the kind of care and support that we deem to be in your and the church's best interest. Therefore, please understand that the leaders of the church maintain the right to do the following:

1. To speak to our church's pastors about information deemed necessary for the benefit of the church.
2. To speak to other affected individuals. When other people at this church are involved--e.g., when relationships are broken; when there is anger or disappointment; when gossip is present; when actions affect the lives of others--we may approach those other people in an effort to understand better the story and to foster reconciliation, harmony, or the spiritual well-being of the church.
3. To speak to others who have experienced and overcome problems similar to those at hand. When we are made aware of a struggle that someone else in the congregation or the larger Christian community has dealt with successfully, we may speak to that person and enlist their wisdom and help in assisting you with your struggle. We recognize that God offers many resources for healing through His family.

We do not want the fear of exposure to keep you from approaching us. However, we also want you to understand that we are not making a promise of absolute confidentiality. Such a promise would hinder us in offering you our best help. If you have something that cannot be shared with anyone else at this church, we will be glad to help you find a professional Christian counselor who may be able to offer you a higher level on confidentiality.